what to say to someone who is in hospice

The end of a person's life is an important time for friends and family members to reach out with words of caring, support, and gratitude. Unfortunately, our civilization isn't particularly comfortable with expiry and dying. Most of u.s. experience stifled and bad-mannered when we think about what to say to someone in hospice care who has days or months to alive.

Confession time: I'm a longtime Hallmark writer, and I still felt stumped when asked about writing this kind of message. Luckily, I work with thoughtful people who have direct experience as caregivers and family members of someone in hospice, and they were gracious enough to share what they've learned.

The first is Tracy Riley, who is both a Hallmark authoritative pro and an experienced hospice nurse. If that sounds like two careers, well, it is—but Tracy is passionate nearly both Hallmark's mission of helping people connect emotionally and hospice's call to care for individuals and families facing the terminate of life. The 2nd is Marn Jensen, a retired Hallmark writer and editor who has seen both of her parents through hospice care in recent years. Marn also continues to stay connected to hospice through participants in her 2018 Wishes for the World project.

I've organized these writing tips and approaches by theme, merely you certainly don't accept to stick to just one theme in what y'all write or say to someone who is dying. Whether you're writing a note, spending time with them, or both, I hope you lot'll find ideas for letters that offer comfort, bring a smile and, most of all, let someone know how much their life has meant to you.

• Acceptance
• Thanks
• I Love You
• Nosotros Will Exist Okay
• Life and Legacy
• Lightheartedness and Sense of humour
• To Family and Caregivers
• What Not to Say

Acceptance

According to hospice nurse Tracy Riley, past the time a person has entered hospice care, they've accepted the fact that they're dying, and it's helpful for them to know that family and friends accept accustomed this, besides.

"They're tired of pain, tired of suffering, tired of fighting," says Tracy. "Y'all tin can continue praying for a miracle, but the person who's dying needs y'all to affirm that it's okay to finish fighting and to focus on peace and comfort instead."

Examples

• "I know this wasn't an easy decision to make. Just want you to know I support you and I'm glad y'all're making the most of this time with the people you love."
• "I don't like this, but nosotros're going to do our best with this time."
• "I'yard sorry, of grade, but I'm besides glad yous're in a place where y'all don't have to fight and so difficult anymore."
• "I'k praying for you to experience at peace and to know how much you lot're loved."

Helpful tip: Hospice care tends to final from several days to half-dozen months. For someone who spends months in hospice, there will be more opportunities to write and visit, so consider reaching out multiple times.

Cheers

"Give thanks yous" is one key message that writer and editor Marn Jensen tried to limited often to her female parent and begetter during their fourth dimension in hospice. Gratitude for the person's life, their caring, and their influence really does make for a warm and affirming message. And that'due south truthful for anyone from an immediate family fellow member to a friend to more distant connections.

Examples

• "Cheers for all the days y'all've made brighter just past being you. There have been more than of them than I can count."
• "Thinking of the good life you've lived, the great times nosotros've shared, and feeling so grateful for you lot."
• "You've been such an important part of my life, and for that, I'll always be grateful."
• "I so admire the warm, funny, genuine person you are. My life volition forever be better because y'all've been office of it."
• "I wish nosotros could have more time together, but I want yous to know I cherish the times we have had and the fourth dimension we all the same take."
• "Cheers for existence the one and only you and for being a blessing to so many people—particularly me."
• "I've been beyond lucky to know you lot. Cheers."
• "Y'all've been the best dad. Give thanks you."

Helpful tip: Embracing a gratitude mindset can help you shift your bulletin focus from the sadness of dying to the meaning in living.

I Dear Y'all

"I love you" is the other primal message Marn took care to express ofttimes to her parents while they were in hospice. It's nearly the warmest matter you can say to a family member or good friend, and it means fifty-fifty more than to someone who is dying. Even if it's not the kind of human relationship where you say "love" often, this is 1 fourth dimension of life when y'all'll feel good that you did. And and then volition they.

Examples

• "I love y'all and then much, Mom."
• "Hoping you're having a good day and sending you my honey…"
• "I honey y'all. Thank you for loving me, too."
• "It hurts to let you lot go, but I wouldn't trade ane moment of all nosotros've shared. I love you with all my middle."

Helpful tip: Y'all could also end any written bulletin with a "honey" closing: "Love," "With love," "Lots of love," "Love and prayers," etc.

We Will Be Okay

Co-ordinate to Tracy, it's stressful for someone in hospice to worry almost how loved ones will get along without them.  Then fifty-fifty though it probably feels far from okay to lose someone close to you, it's important to communicate that you will be okay, and that important people and pets will be taken care of, too.

Examples

• "Yous've taken such good care of all of united states for and so long. Nosotros'll miss that, and we'll miss you, just nosotros'll exist all right. We'll detect ways to take care of each other."
• "One thing I want to make certain you know is that I will honor you in taking intendance of the kids and practice the same things for them that y'all would take washed."
• "I promise information technology eases your mind a little to know Spot is going to make his new forever home with Kathy and Tom. They're happy to take him, and they promise to honey him but like you do."
• "Of course, I'yard going to miss you like crazy, simply you don't need to worry about me. I'll be okay."
• "Maybe nosotros're non exactly okay right now, simply in time, we will be. Luckily, we've got a lot of caring people around us to help us through after y'all've gone."
• "I hope y'all're not worried nigh anyone or anything right now. I hope yous simply feel surrounded by honey."

Helpful tip: It's fine to honestly acknowledge how awful or unfair it is that this person you care about is dying. Only don't dwell there. Try to follow the acknowledgement with comfort: "This is and so hard, but it'south skillful to know you're home with your family around you…" Or, "I really detest the thought of losing you, simply I'm glad you don't have to keep struggling then hard anymore…"

Life and Legacy

It's too helpful for a person who is dying to hear they added something good to the earth, their life mattered, and their influence volition live on—in things they achieved, lessons they taught, traditions you'll keep, and beyond.

Examples

• "I promise you're proud of the astonishing family unit y'all've raised. Thanks for putting some skillful humans into the world."
• "You lot're someone who has used your life to affect so many others. I'll always feel incredibly lucky that mine was 1 of them."
• "You've shaped our community in means that will alive on across you, then thank you."
• "Okay, and then clearly you lot didn't invent a cure for cancer. But you lot've nonetheless done and then many skilful things in life—for your family, for your church, in your career, and for all of us who care about you. I hope yous experience neat about the departure yous've fabricated."
• "Just so you know, we'll be pouring an actress glass for you at wine book club. You've been the centre and soul of our crew, and we programme to keep information technology going in your laurels."
• "I wish my kids were old enough to know you ameliorate, but don't worry. They're going to know all your funny stories and weird traditions. They'll know their Papa Frank is a huge part of what makes our family so great."
• "A friend like you doesn't come up along very often. You lot made and then many tough times easier and the best times even better. I hold every memory we've made together close to my middle."

Helpful tip: "The end of life is hard, just it tin besides exist cute," Marn says. "So be present however you can. Practice your best to make information technology most that person and non about you lot or your nervousness near maxim the wrong affair."

Lightheartedness and Humor

Tracy also emphasizes the underestimated importance of sense of humour in communicating with someone in hospice: "A person who's dying doesn't desire everyone to human activity sad around them all the time. They appreciate it when someone is willing to kid effectually with them."

So specially when humor has ever been role of your human relationship, feel free to be real and lighten things upward a fleck.

Examples

• "Are you sure this isn't just some elaborate show y'all're putting on before you get off and disappear to a tropical island?"
• "This whole loungewear look you've got going on probably isn't your best ever, just don't worry. You're still pretty cool. And I still love you lot."
• "May I just say that it actually sucks that you're dying? Hey, this is me here—not some kind of poet."
• "Wow, apparently some people will practice annihilation to become out of working. JK—I miss you, and I've been thinking about yous a lot."
• "Are you lot still immune scotch? Because I'thousand pretty sure this calls for one."

Helpful tip: Tracy also mentioned that reading cards to the people they're caring for is a mutual thing for a hospice nurse to exercise. And then keep that in mind equally you cull your words and your funny material. You lot don't want to scandalize the nurse…or the whole family!

To Family and Caregivers

Sometimes the people around the person who's dying are struggling even harder. It's practiced to achieve out to them, too, either with words of back up or with specific offers of help.

Examples

• "Thinking of y'all as y'all take care of your mom. What a comfort for her to have you with her. Love to you both."
• "This must be such a challenging fourth dimension for you and your family. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers."
• "It's okay not to be okay right now. Recall that, and know that it's fine to let some assurance drib. You've got a lot of people who will come and help pick them upwards—me, for ane."
• "I don't really know what would help virtually, but I figured yous all the same demand to eat, and so here's dinner on me."
• "I know you're not able to be home a lot right at present, and then I've been keeping the lawn mowed and the leaves picked up. No big. Just glad you're able to be with your dad."
• "Thought peradventure you could apply a little break from worrying about food on peak of everything else, and then we've got a Repast Train set up upwardly and running for yous. Hope it helps accept a piffling off your heed."

Helpful tip: "Let me know if there's anything I tin can do" comes from a skilful place, but information technology puts the burden of asking on someone who's struggling and possibly not thinking all that conspicuously. For that reason, specific gestures or offers of support tend to be more helpful. If you lot spend a little time with the caregiver, you may pick upward on things they need without even having to ask.

What NOT to Say

Basically, at that place are all kinds of good things you can and should say to someone at the end of their life. But here are a few messages to skip:

• "I'g still hoping/praying for a phenomenon." Of class, yous tin go along praying on your ain. Merely when you lot're communicating with someone in hospice, be accepting of the fact that they've moved past this bespeak.
• "Keep fighting." Be respectful of their decision to cease fighting.
• "Everything happens for a reason." This unintentionally implies that the person must have done something incorrect to deserve to dice.
• "This is God's plan/volition." Even people of faith are sometimes angry at the cease of life, and probable to struggle with this idea. Telling them that you're praying for peace and condolement would be a better manner to become.
• "You look great!" Unless they exercise, but they probably don't, and they probably know it. Merely be existent with them.

Helpful Tip: "Lesser line," says Tracy Riley, "be honest, be authentic, and don't sugarcoat things." In other words, be your caring self, and you'll practice fine.

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Source: https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/sympathy-ideas/hospice-messages-what-to-write-to-someone-who-is-dying/